Hey. – Well, well, well. My guy. How are you, sir? Nice car, my friend. Thanks. Put your seatbelt on, Joel. – What? – Put your seatbelt on. I always put my seatbelt on. I’m making sure you put your seatbelt on. And I usually wear a helmet, but… In the car? You wear a helmet? Yes, you can never be too safe. First of all, for everybody watching, this is Joel McHale. – Hi. – The funny Joel McHale. Thank you.
I’ve had three shows cancelled in the last two years, guys. Joel, that doesn’t mean that you’re not funny. It means that the people just don’t get it. That’s right. That’s the problem. See that? That’s it right there. I try and move every day, and you should, too. Today, we’re gonna go work out. Yeah, what are we doing? We’re gonna box today. – Uh… – We are boxing today. You know, I don’t– I’ve never boxed before. Actually, then that makes it that much better. It’d be dope if we fought, if we, like, did a little sparring match, me and you. How about we play golf? What are you talking about? No. I’m about to take Joel McHale and make Joel McHale an action star today.
Align:start So what if I told you that I had one of the best people coming with us? The best person to help us out? – I said one of the best. – One of the best. One of the best. He flew in just for us. This guy is gonna teach us to box, right? He’s gonna give us some pointers. He’s gonna put us through some drills so we can have a good workout. Like, so, Clubber Lang? I don’t– okay. Um, Ivan Drago? He’s one of the best. He was built by the Soviet Union. All right, yeah, you’re not even naming real people at this point. Those robots they used in that Hugh Jackman movie? All right.
Do you wanna come in with me? Uh, I’ll stay here. – You sure? – Yep. Yep, yep, yep. – I’m gonna get him myself– – All right, fine. I’m gonna go in there and– – Don’t be stupid, man. – I’m gonna get a neck pillow. – No, stay in, stay in. – No, it’s fine. Oh, wait, does he have checked luggage? That’s why I told you to stay in the car, Joel. If you’re gonna be an ass, I would’ve told you to stay in the car. Anybody wants a picture of Kevin Hart, you just step right on up. He’s very excited. Yeah. You get right in there, guys. Don’t even make a line. Just start taking photos. I’m picking up my friend. Just give me a second, guys.
– Don’t listen to him. – Don’t even make a line. Kevin Hart, right here. Guys, get in there. Just come on. Just surround Kevin Hart. – Yeah, look at that. – Thank you, guys. – I really appreciate it. – Looks like a family reunion. – Thank you, man. – Come on over. Take a photo. I’m just picking up my friend. You cannot be taller than him though, all right? – You wanna hold the baby? – No, I don’t wanna– There it is, yeah.
Great. That’s something she’ll remember for a long time. Yeah, that’s great. Thank you for a great pic. – ( cries ) – Thank you, guys. – Great. That’s great. – Thank you so much. Yeah, yeah. Of course, of course. – What’s your name? – No. Joel. Just step up and you take a photo. Oh, here we go. Evander Holyfield, everybody! – How are you, sir? – I’m good.
Align:start How are you, man? Joel McHale, Evander. He’s gonna be with us today, all right? – Okay. – Get the bag. Come on, champ. Bye-bye, guys. Bye-bye. – How was the flight, man? – Everything’s good. That’s good. The least you could do is get the door. Yo, let me get the door for you. Yes. – Joel! Joel! – What? We got a ( bleep ) ticket, man! You got a ticket? I told you to stay in the car. It’s not my fault. There’s a lot of kids around here. They don’t like cursing. You’re paying this, man. I’m so sorry that Kevin Hart cursed around you, guys. Kevin: Tickets piss me off, Joel. $58 in a loading zone. If you had stayed in the car, I wouldn’t have a ticket. Yeah! Champ, I am ready.
Align:start I want you to show me what you can do yourself. Without you helping me. Okay. – Then I add on to it. – Uh, all right. I’m not a big boxer so, uh… What’s this called? A disclaimer. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You got– you got snot all over your nose. In boxing, there’s snot! I’m not– I’m not touching his hands. Okay. You can already tell, coach, – like, I’m that guy.
– Oh, okay. You know what I’m saying? I’ve always been that guy. You look like you’re avoiding, like, a bee or a fly. – What is that? – Well, you know… You see what I’m saying, coach? You’re in, like– that’s the sequel – to the thriller video. – You see what I’m saying? How do you get away from punches? I don’t need to. Boom, catch it. Pull you forward. Bang. Everybody, rope and… your timing is almost like– when I fight, I got a rhythm. It ain’t how high you get. It’s in little bitty steps. There you go.
Okay. Champ, did your mom used to whip your ass with one of these? Mines did. Ah, no! No more! I ain’t gonna get no more F’s! ( crying ) Flashbacks. Evander, can we do something else, please? These ropes ain’t good for my psyche. What we’re gonna do, we’re gonna hit the bag. Get your balance right where you can– how much power you can get by just having your feet – in the proper place. – Got it. Can you guys lower this for Kevin? – No, that’s fine. – This has to be lowered. That’s the thing. It ain’t the– it ain’t the size of the dog. It’s the bite. – You know what I mean? – No, not really. Better not say– better not say “bite”. – Yeah. – Yeah. – Yeah. – He’s gonna kill you. He’s not gonna kill me. It’s just trash-talking. Let me show you how to hit it one time.
Align:start Let me hold it while you give it a couple, huh? Okay. Hold on, now. That’s all you got? Shit. Shit. Okay. Stop it, Dad! Just love me, Dad! Why didn’t you love me, Dad? Why didn’t you love me? You don’t like me because I do comedy, Dad? ( blubbering ) Thank you for my inner monologue. It got me through a lot of stuff, Kevin. Kevin, wait, wait, wait. Let’s try something. Let’s try something. Go ahead.
Go ahead. Boxing is not a game. What did you just say? Who are you talking to? Who are you talking to? It’s me, Kevin, a bag with no arms or legs. You talking to me? Kevin, don’t you recognize me? We did a buddy cop movie two years ago. – That’s your ass, man.
– Loser. You decided to talk anyway. Rocky! Adrian! You say something else, bitch? – A little bit more work. – Back punch. You are so lucky Chris Tucker retired. What else we got to do, champ? Now y’all got to get into the ring. – And spar? – Yeah, spar. You’re damn right we do, because I’m feeling it.
Hi, I’m Joel McHale. I’m gonna kick Kevin Hart’s ass in the ring today. – Everybody knows it. – Let me tell you something, Joel. – Yes. – You got hands, and then after that, you got fists. But if you brought mines up, I suggest you find your own way to school, because where I’m going, there ain’t gonna be no books.
Align:start It’s only gonna be mats and sneakers. Shit. I’d like to just declare that we just witnessed the world’s record for the longest analogy in the history of the Earth, everyone. Amazing. Kevin Hart just pulled it off right here. I can’t imagine when that will ever be broken. I don’t know if anybody here has edu.net, but that’s where Joel’s next movie is premiering. It’s an educational film on how to watch Kevin Hart movies without falling asleep and hitting your head on the seat in front of you. All right! That’s enough of this shit! Enough of it! Let’s just fight! Evander, can we just get to the fight? God damn it! – If I could just say a few more things. – No, Joel! Did we really need a “Ride Along 2,” everyone? I will finally stop this man…
– Jesus Christ. – …from making “Ride Along 3.” – Enough, Joel. – “Think Like A Man, Too.” – Did you want that? No. – Okay. You know who did? One person, Kevin Hart. And he got it. And we suffered as a country. I will put that right in the ring right now! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls around the world, welcome to “It’s No Laughing Matter!” And in this corner, standing six-foot four inches tall, two hundred and fifteen pounds… Yeah. Joel “Banana Hammock” McHale! All right. – Hi. – How you doing? – Joel. – Joel. And in this corner, weighing one hundred and forty pounds, standing allegedly five-foot four inches tall… I had my hood down. I couldn’t see. Kevin “The Hitman” Hart! Put the ring down, girl. You see I got to get in there? Do the thing. I don’t know why you acting like you ain’t seen me – walking up in here.
– Come on in. Shit. Get off me, Joel. Get off of me. It’s my intro. Oh! Reveal. Reveal. Bow, dougie, pop, pop, pop. Hey, hey, hey, hey. – I’m ready. – In this corner, Gary Coleman making a comeback from the dead. This is ridiculous. I don’t support the objectification of women in boxing. Aw, yeah. ♪ Go, here we go ♪ ♪ Go, here we go ♪ I don’t need headgear. Gentlemen, center of the ring. Wait, now I look like an idiot in my headgear. No, you don’t. You look great. Come on, man. Evander, who looks cooler, with or without the headgear? – You look great, both. – Both look great. All right. What was that? Showtime! Let’s rumble. Go! Wait. Ref, before we start, please, don’t hit me on this side of my face. Well, don’t hit me in the face at all. That’s why I’m wearing this.
Align:start I just bleached all my teeth, so I don’t– All of them? Yeah. I bleached– even the back ones. Because you can’t tell if you don’t. – It looks good. No, no. – So don’t hit my– Anywhere near here. All right, I’m not gonna ( bleep ) with your teeth. Are you ready? Come on. Box! Wait, last thing. I swear to God. I dislocated this shoulder when I was seven. – I will stay away– – Stay away from this. I got to shoot a movie in a month. – Okay.
– So don’t ( bleep ) me up. Uh, I just waxed all my genital area. So I’m a little sensitive right here. – Okay. – So just avoid– Stay away from there. Because I have a lot of ingrown hairs and stuff. Let’s have a good ( bleep ) fight. I won’t hit you here. Don’t hit me there. Let’s go. Go, Hitman. All right, give him what he wanted. ♪ Now or never ♪ What are you guys doing? How long are the rounds? Yeah, how long are these? Is that the first round or no? – Slipped, slipped. – Come on, man.
Align:start Break, break! Ah. No, Mom! No, Mom. No, Mom! Call the time, Evander! Nah. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. – Go down, man. – Ow, ow, ow. Why don’t you fight like real men? Just go down. Now, stop! Go down! – Go down, man! – Okay, okay, okay. Ref: One! Back into your corner. Two, three, four, five. Wait, he up? – What the ( bleep )? – Leave your gloves on. I’m just taking a quick break. Oh, God. ( “Waltz Of The Snowflakes” playing ) – Hey, come on! – Water? That’s cheating.
Ow, ow! – Come on. – Ow, ow, ow. That’s it! That’s it, Joel! God damn it’s cold! ( music continues ) Ref: Disqualified! Everyone’s disqualified. – Water disqualification? – Evander: It’s over. Y’all guys are disqualified. – Touch gloves. – That’s great. – Good shit, man. – You did great. Your skin looks amazing when it’s wet. Thank you, ref. You called a good fight. – Whew! – You can have this. Evander, thank you for everything. If you want, I can treat you to Cinnabon.
– Oh! – You want a Cinnabon? – Do you like Cinnabon? – You like Cinnabon? – Nah. – Come on. If you wanna watch more of me, Kevin Hart, click the videos. And why not subscribe to my comedy channel, Laugh Out Loud? Click the logo. It’s free. Get clicking..